My wife and I recently had our fourth child. I’ve been with my wife during the deliveries of all of our children. Nothing can prepare you for the event.
You can attend childbirth classes and read books but, for some unknown reason, they always focus on the women having the baby. So, as a public service to future fathers everywhere, I will answer the most common questions men have about birthing babies.
What is the most painful part of labor?
Please sit down before reading any further. The following statement is extremely graphic and may shock you.
When your wife is in the hospital, the TV remote control will be attached to her bed. You may have to go for up to 24 hours with a remote in the room that you cannot touch.
I know many men reading this column are breaking into a cold sweat. Some are weeping. That’s okay. Let it out.
Why is the remote control attached to the bed?
No one knows. We just have to accept that it is the way God created the bed and be thankful that there is a remote control at all. Because you are used to watching television at the speed of 85 channels per minute, labor will be a real test for you.
Can the remote control be surgically removed from the bed? I really need to hold it.
No. Insurance companies no longer cover this procedure because they consider it “elective surgery.” This is only one of the major problems with the healthcare system in this country.
How bad will the pain be?
You will experience contractions in your hand because you’re used to holding a remote at all times. The contractions will start about 20 minutes apart but will soon progress to 2-3 minutes apart. The pain will become unbearable when your wife is watching Oprah and Sports Center is about to come on.
I don’t think I can endure that level of pain. What can I do to get through it?
First, try to relax. Move around if it makes you more comfortable. Experiment with different positions. Get on your hands and knees and rock back and forth. Try squatting or lie on your side. Some men find taking a warm bath helps.
Take deep breaths. Moan if you feel like it. If your mouth gets dry, eat some ice chips.
Focus on an object other than the remote. Having a photograph of your home theatre system can be reassuring. Remember that you will soon be going home and be able to hold your universal remote for hours at a time -- especially when you’re rocking your new baby at 2 a.m.
If the pain gets too great, ask the doctor for some medication. A little Nubain can really take the edge off the pain of that tethered remote.
One last tip: If your new child is a boy, while still in the delivery room, call “dibs for life” on your home TV remote control. Within three years he’ll be fighting you for it.
"As a bachelor without children I didn't connect with the subject matter in Tim's book, and I still laughed out loud. I can only imagine how hysterical it'll be if he ever writes anything I relate to."
-- Brad Dickson, columnist and former monologue writer for Jay Leno
"This book will be a 'must get' for couple's showers, Father's Day, or any occasion when a gift is needed for a dad of any age. Witty and wry, Tim's style will keep dads -- and moms -- laughing for long time."
"The best clean, down-to-earth and funniest book I've read in years."
-- Jodie Lynn, internationally syndicated parenting columnist of Parent to Parent and author of Mommy-CEO (revised edition)
"Smart, clever and funny. I laughed out loud at least once on every page -- that's 200 audible laughs, on top of at least three inner-chuckles per page -- which added up to one totally hilarious book. In The Beginning... is the perfect gift for anyone who has a child, who's about to have a child or was a child."
-- Karyl Miller, Emmy award-winning sitcom writer-producer whose credits include "The Cosby Show," "My sister Sam" and "The Mary Tyler Moore Show."
Tim’s career as a male model ended after a trench coat mishap at the Wilson’s Department Store (Greenfield, Mass.) “back-to-school” fashion show. Tim was five years old and...
That’s an excellent observation since most moms and many dads were present at the birth of their children. I have a faint recollection of sitting next to a hospital bed in which my wife had complete authority over the television remote control for 18 straight hours and I was forced to beg her to turn back to Little House on the Prairie so I could see if Michael Landon saved the neighbor girl who had fallen into a well. I even have a videotape of the experience. The episode of Little House, not the birth.
But, in my estimation, 98 percent of parents forget they have children. If you don’t believe me, just look at the kids raiding the candy bin at the local grocery store checkout and the adults pretending those kids are someone else’s progeny. My quiz will help jog your memory.
Tim tells the crowd that it's his first book signing but he has related experience... "While I stand up here talking, you’ll see people milling around the store, avoiding eye contact with me and trying to ignore me. That’s a lot like being at home with my kids." See more photos.
